The mental illness your spouse suffers with is something that is happening
to your entire family. All are affected and it is nobody's fault. It is not your
fault, your spouse's or your children's fault. It is an unfortunate illness.
HealthyPlace.com Radio
Mental Illness in the Family
- Anger. Frustration. Resentment. Helplessness. If someone
in your family has mental illness, you may be feeling all of
these things. What can you do to help yourself, and by doing
so your loved one as well?
You cannot fix your spouse. There is nothing you can do to make him or her
well, so don't feel compelled to try. What you can do is be supportive, loving
and handling the everyday details and practical issues of life that he or she
cannot cope with.
All members of the family have a responsibility to cope with the illness.
Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with crisis. You all need each other.
The ill spouse must recognize and accept the illness, be willing to receive
treatment, and if possible, learn to manage the illness. If the ill spouse is
not willing to do these things, it may become impossible for the family to
continue to support him or her. The family is not required to throw away their
own lives for someone who refuses to cooperate. There are limits and they must
be enforced without feelings of guilt.
Educate yourself concerning every aspect of the illness. Education brings
compassion. Ignorance just encourages anger and fear.
Grieve your loss. It is a great loss. You need to allow yourself the time
and energy to experience the entire process of grieving.
Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge, either from
your own counselor or a NAMI support group. You can't do it alone. Don't refuse
to recognize your own need for help, just because the ill spouse is getting most
of the attention.
Help your children understand the illness as much as their age allows. NO
FAMILY SECRETS. Don't deny them the opportunity to learn about the illness, the
unfair stigma attached to it, and developing their own skills in coping. It can
be an incredible learning opportunity for them. If they need proof and help to
understand it and their own feelings, get it for them.
Try to create a safe environment for the spouse to express himself/herself
without feeling threatened, constrained or condemned. He or she desperately
needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration he or she is
feeling about coping with mental illness.
You and your children need to share your feelings, honestly and openly. It's
okay to feel angry and cheated. At times you may feel embarrassed by the ill
spouse's behavior, avoid trying to protect your spouse by not discussing the
problem with family or friends. Don't require your children to conspire with you
in a code of "family secrecy." Family secrets will only isolate you from others.
Remember that small children, by their very nature, assume that they are
responsible for anything in their environment that goes wrong.
Never put yourself or your children in physical danger. If you sense your
spouse is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call for professional help.
You should never tolerate abuse of you or your children. Trust your instincts
and intuitions on this one. Say, "no way" and mean it.
Become your spouse's advocate with the medical professionals, assertively
involved in his treatment and medications. If the medical professional or
psychiatrist won't cooperate with you, demand a different one! Treatment should
involve the entire family, so find a professional who will work with the whole
family. You know more about your spouse's illness than anyone else. Trust your
instincts.
Coldly assess what your spouse can and cannot handle, the compensate
assertively. Some people with mental illness cannot handle money, some household
chores, time commitments and too much stress. You must not do things for your
spouse that he or she can do for themselves. Don't rob him or her of their
dignity.
Maintain your own identity; resist becoming consumed with your spouse's
illness. Life goes on. You have an obligation to yourself and your children to
take care of yourself and meet your own needs. You all must continue to develop
your own interests and talents. You are a valuable human being, so don't play
the martyr role and sacrifice yourself. That's just self pity. "Get a life."
Always hope for healing. The medications do work and new ones are being
developed. You may get your spouse back whole some day. If nothing else, the
experience will broaden and deepen you in ways you never imagined. Or, you can
choose to let it destroy you, your family and your marriage. It is your choice.
Keep in mind that bad things happen to good people and you're no exception.
You have not been singled out for a special persecution. Trying to make good
choices in life won't protect you from misfortune. You haven't been "dumb" to
"get yourself in this situation." It is not your fault. Life is not easy, we
have to take what we get and make the best of it.
