by Elaine M. Gibson

We will never teach our children what we intend to teach by preaching at them during a problem or crisis situation. Our children come to us with a problem and our first response is to solve their problems for them -- tell them what to do and how to do it. We want to pass on the value of our experience. They tell us in the first place because they need to talk, not because they want our "expert" advice.

We forget that experience is still the best teacher. Most of us learned very little from listening to our parents, but we learned a great deal from our own mistakes. Only when our experience confirmed those things we had heard from our parents did we decide, "They knew what they were talking about."

There is a better time and a better way. We can share our values with our kids when we are in non-threatening situations such as preparing a meal or cleaning up afterward, watching a program on television, or working in the garden. It is all part of family communication. We can initiate a discussion and ask the kids what they think about something. By listening, we can tell what values they are learning. When we do talk, we will know where to begin. With the fast pace of daily life, such opportunities will not happen unless we spend time with our children.

One of the primary benefits of religious training in churches is that our children hear the values we endorse presented in a safe and accepting atmosphere by other adults. Religious training never takes the place of family training but it can support what we are teaching at home.

The best way to teach morals and values of course is in the way we live. Our children watch what we do and our example is more powerful than what we say. Sometimes, we have to be patient and give them a chance to learn from mistakes. The most effective lessons are the ones we learn for ourselves. As parents, we provide the environment in which are children can learn safely.

• We can encourage our children to solve their own problems by not telling them what we would do or what they should do. If we convey our faith in their ability to think through their own problems, we will be supporting our kids. They will solve their own problems (maybe not as fast as we would like) and they will learn real-life lessons.
• If we have been teaching them by our own example, their solutions should reflect the values, morals, and ethics of the family.
• When we do need to give them information about a problem situation, we need to find a time when everyone is calm and has time to discuss the information in a positive way.
• If it is important, we need the time to think carefully how we will say what needs to be said. The first thoughts out of our mouths are seldom connected to our brains. If we wait until later and then forget what it was we wanted to say, chances are it wasn't that important anyway.

There is another reason for talking as little as possible. The less we say, the more our kids will think we know. We must not give them the chance to find out how little we really do know!