Depression: A Beast That Whispers Lies In Your Ear

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What It's Like
Living With Depression

others share their experiences
and what they've learned

Debbie

I'm 30 years old. Depression is a beast that whispers lies in your ear. It tells you no one loves you, your family would be better off without you, you are ugly, worthless, no good. You spend hours on end wishing you were dead.

I have been depressed as long as I can remember. As a child, it manifested itself as shyness, crying easily, and unwilling to try new things. As a teenager, I grew more volatile, what with hormones and all. My first "official" diagnosis, though, was at age 20 after the birth of my oldest child --"postpartum depression".

For me, it is how I am. Depression is an integral part of my personality, and has influenced my decisions in every way.

I have what is known as Dysthymia, chronic, low level depression. I have had several periods of Major Depression as well (when you have dysthymia and major depression on top, it's called "double depression"). I refer to that as "the pit." When I am in the pit, I have tunnel vision. I want to sleep all the time, yet have difficulty sleeping when I'm "supposed" to. I have no appetite, and the world seems grey. I have lead in my extremities, so I can barely move. Just getting up is a struggle. I don't bathe, dress, or go out unless necessary. I am lucky to do the routine things. This last depression, my house got so filthy, I rarely washed dishes. I just waited until I had to. My oldest son made simple meals for himself and his brother. I miss work. In fact, I was just recently fired from my job as a nurse, because I called in sick too many times. Ironically, the first time I called in due to depression was because I knew if I went in, I would commit suicide.

Depression is like I feel like nobody. No one. My life has no meaning. Everything I do is destructive, ie., I feel unlovable, so I married a man who claimed he loved me, even though I did not love him.

My self esteem has always been extremely low. Most times, I feel my future has no promise. I have made bad choices for so long that the impact is hard to overcome. Everytime I think my future is hopeful, something comes along and destroys the hope. Like being fired, that really devastated me, and it was all because I suffer from depression; the disease you can't see or touch, and that many think is all "in your head".

For me, the most difficult aspect of suffering with depression is the way my body reacts to medication. I find one that works and over time it stops as my body becomes accustomed or resistant to it. Then the doctor either increase the dose, adds a second med, or changes them altogether. I have been on so many meds for depression and antianxiety meds and now I am on lithium as well. Sometimes I feel like a walking pharmacy.

When they are working as they ought, the meds do help to reduce my depression. Therapy is good too. But for me, support has been the best of all. It really helps to have someone who knows how it feels and by offering support to others, not only does it make you feel good and worthwhile, but it can help you work through your own issues as well.

I know that some depressed people don't find the medical community too helpful or supportive. Actually, I have found the opposite. They are very supportive when it comes to treating depression. Unfortunately, I think a lot of general practitioners prescribe antidepressants too quickly and too much. They just don't have the expertise. If you had coronary disease, you'd see a cardiologist, get my drift?

My doctor didn't know that grinding your teeth is a side effect of Zoloft - a very commonly prescribed drug. I was in a lot of pain by the time I started seeing someone new. In my case, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and she took me right off Zoloft and the grinding stopped. She's really good with the meds, knowledgeable, etc. I love her. And she has counseled me too, when her schedule permitted.

Unfortunately, others are not so accepting of the diagnosis. My ex-husband just had no clue. He thought I could snap out of it or something. My former boss, too. If I'd had diabetes instead of depression, I bet anything I wouldn't have been fired.

I know there's the debate of which works better, antidepressant medications or therapy. I have found that therapy works best when you are stable on your meds. Then you are well enough to work on your issues. If your meds are out of whack, and you are in the pit, you accomplish very little in therapy besides just staying alive (not to be sneezed at of course!).

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One thing I've learned though is that I've got to stay on the meds or I'm a mess. I also stay active with my support group, whether or not I am actively depressed. When things get really bad, I have to let some things go - try and sort out what is really important and what can wait. I often need help with that when I am bad off. Accepting help is hard, but sometimes you just have to let go.

Regarding other relationships, I have married and divorced twice, and I blame that a lot on the low self esteem depression has brought me. The good news is, I am in a positive relationship with a man who also suffers from depression. He knows how it feels-and vice versa. For me, the only goal I have right now is to survive another day, and to be the best Mom I can be. I'd like to buy a house, but just don't see it happening. Short term, I need to find a job, and hopefully I can get one with flexible hours.

The best advice I can give others suffering from depression is see a doctor. They need to rule out medical problems that can cause depression. Next, get support. I utilize an online support group, but there are lots of live groups, just look in the mental health section of your phone book. Don't be afraid to take meds. They might save your life. Don't hide. You are not alone, not by a long shot.

If it helps anyone, here are my 10 best tips for coping with depression:

Find and utilize a support network
See a doctor
Takes meds if need be
If you are suicidal, get help. immediately
Try writing a journal. I don't keep day-to-day facts. I just write when I have some very strong feelings inside.
Exercise. It's hard, but if you can, take a walk, even a short one is ok, outside if possible.
Read as much as you can about depression and mental illness. Know you are not alone.
Take a deep breath - in...out....relax. You can get through this.
Call a friend who understands. Or, if they call you, answer the phone! Don't hide or push people away.
Don't drink! It doesn't mix with most meds and always makes depression worse in the end.

What It's Like Living With Depression

others share their experiences and what they've learned

Debbie

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What It's Like
Living With Depression

others share their experiences
and what they've learned